When I was a kid I used to eat with my mouth open. I was a little animal still learning the ways of civilization. I also had an aunt who is super irritable. She has a crazy temper. When I used to be around her, which was quite often, and be smack-smack-smacking away on some food, she’d be like, “G-Sh- mother-fvvdgnoR*&%&%…STOP SMACKING YOUR FOOD!” At the time I would think, “God, you’re super mean.”, but now I’m kind of thankful for it because I learned some manners. People consume in the most annoying ways. Sometimes it’s pretty funny though.
These people I work with have the weirdest ways of drinking. This one person usually has one of those sports bottles with the adjustable cap at the top filled with water or whatever.
When he takes a sip he first clasps the bottle so you hear the plastic give and crack. Then the water goes into his mouth and makes a mixture of a gulping and sucking sound. Then there’s a pause. You’re like, “Wow okay…he must be thirsty, but whatever.”, but it’s not over folks! He swallows his water and then a second later goes, “AHHHHHHH….” Every. God. Damn. Time. It’s like he was fucking doing landscaping all day and hasn’t been able to take a drink of water in hours.
This other person LOVES coffee. Homeboy drinks coffee all day, everyday. It’s pretty intense. You gotta’ imagine that his blood is thick with caffeine and looks like really dirty oil. But whatever…I ain’t hatin’. I enjoy a cup of joe every once in a while. Anyway, like I said, he drinks coffee all day. It’s usually a hot cup.
As you might know, you can’t gulp the stuff like our friend above. You have to drink it slooowwlly so as not to burn your mouth. But here’s the kicker. When he take a sip he usually blows, “WWOOOOOOSSSSHHHHH…” and then slups the hell out of it…”SSLLLLLLLUURRRRRRRRPP.” Every. God. Damn. Time. He just did it. I swear to god.